Not going back empty-handed

So it’s been a while. I guess that’s an understatement. It’s been almost a year. Almost a year since I sat down and wrote out my thoughts for people to read. Almost a year since I prayed for God to use my story to reach others. Almost a year since I’ve practiced what I believe to be one of my personal ministries. 

Shame. On. Me. 

I love sharing my story. I love talking about Bo and how God put our story together. I love talking about how my life does NOT look like I thought it would, but actually 1,000 times better. I love encouraging others through my writing. But I’ve ignored that love. It’s called to me and I’ve tuned it out. I’ve jotted down fleeting thoughts that could turn into topics all up in the notes section of my phone. But I’ve left them there. And the reason I’ve ignored this special piece of myself is not because I’m too tired or there isn’t enough time or I’ve found another ministry. The reason I’ve stopped is far worse. Far more embarrassing. Blaming it on Bo would be the easy way out. Who could get mad at me for wanting to spend every moment playing and loving on a boy that cute?!? Have you seen him moo like a cow? I could watch that all day every day. Sometimes I do. 

But I stopped because I got scared. The devil got a strong hold on me. I felt all Moses-y on the inside. Full of excuses of not being good enough. Other people are much better writers. Have much more interesting stories. Have better lessons for us to learn. And all of those things are true. There are a million and one better writers than me, but the point of sharing my story isn’t to become famous for writing. It’s to bring people to Jesus. I have a student to thank for this delightful slap to the back of my head. Every now and then some of my seniors ask questions about Bo or our adoption story and I often just send them to the blog. That way they can read as much or as little as they like without having to listen to me ramble. After this particular student read all the blog posts I had written, she came in the next day and said “When will the next one be up?” Not was I planning to write more. Not did I want to write more. She took that as fact.  She wanted to know the rest of our story. What faith that student had in me when I didn’t feel worthy in the least. 

I realized sometimes we have to pull a Ruth and take a chance. Risk something for the greater good. What if we all lived our life like Orpah instead? I’m not dissing her. But I am saying I think she missed out. She clearly wasn’t a terrible person by anyone’s standards. However, the book is called Ruth and not Orpah for a reason. Because Orpah went back. At first she didn’t want to and the Bible tells us she cried when she parted from Ruth and Naomi. But that doesn’t change the fact that she went back. Back to her people and her gods. To what was safe and familiar and comfortable. And then – we don’t talk about Orpah anymore. I think we can learn here that just because you’re not bad doesn’t mean you’re doing great. It certainly doesn’t mean you’re living up to your potential. Or your purpose. 

From the beginning Ruth risked it all. Her life clearly did not turn out the way she planned. To be a widow in a foreign country is not the dream of any young girl. But when Ruth’s life fell apart she chose to look outward instead of inward. She chose to help someone else instead of wallowing in self pity and disappointment. I can imagine the complete loss and lack of direction Ruth felt after losing her husband. I can relate to those feelings to some degree. Obviously, it isn’t exactly the same. But often the emotions we experience are the same though our battles are different. I can imagine how returning to her people, her home, her mama would bring her so much comfort when hurting. Wanting our mother never goes away. I imagine Ruth was much the same. She fought what was easy and instead went for the risk. How many of us can say we would do the same? I’d love to say I’d be the heroine and take the valiant risk. But let’s be real. I’m THE least likely person to take a gamble. I make every decision with notebooks full of pro and con lists and I only say yes if the pros outweigh the cons. Ruth’s pros certainly did not outweigh her cons when making her initial decision. That’s the whole point of a risk. In a moment when no one would blame her for wanting ease, comfort, and consolation, she chose the opposite. 

I’m struggling with my purpose. What I dreamed of being my whole life is turning out to be much less fulfilling. I feel like I’m doing very little for the kingdom. I spend the majority of the day fighting cell phones and paperwork. (I’m a high school teacher) I just feel disappointed. Like I’m meant for something more. I can’t be the only one struggling to find my purpose. How I fit into God’s story and plan.  

Part of my struggle has been the restraint of fear. Here Orpah and I go traipsing back to what we know. To the things and places that have very little risk. Which means I keep fighting this urge to share my story and what God did/does for me because I’d rather stay in my safe bubble where I don’t have to worry about someone not liking my blog post. Or that I’ll only have three reads because I accidentally hit refresh and read it twice and the other one is my Nanna. Doubt, worry, and complacency can blind us to a greater purpose. One that we’re only going to reach through the risk. 

Sometimes our purpose is in the daily. It’s not always going to be a big “lay at Boaz’s feet” moment. Sometimes it’s a “glean among the ears” moment. Much less glamorous but equally important. That’s how Ruth got Boaz’s attention after all. Filling the everyday purpose. We need to stop thinking our purpose can only be executed in one way. We live in an either or society. You’re either for or against. The dress is black and blue or white and gold. When in reality there is a category for “d all of the above”. Ruth did the mundane and the extravagant. I’m sorry but if you don’t call creeping in, uncovering a dude’s feet, and laying down beside them extravagant, I’m not sure we can be friends. We put too much importance in one singular avenue to our purpose. Like fulfilling one role or job is the end all be all determinant of admittance to heaven. And that kind of pressure keeps us from trying. 

Dreams change. Jobs change. Desires change. And that’s ok. Our purpose stays the same. The fundamental purpose we all share, the root of our soul is to bring others to Christ. That never changes. How you perform that mighty purpose will look different from season to season. But I do know that no matter what season you’re in, spreading the gospel to those in need is very difficult from your comfort zone. Because there aren’t a lot of people in your comfort zone. 

In all, Ruth chose to risk it. And she had a big purpose to fulfill even though she had no idea what it was at the time. Ruth got to be a part of God’s plan and His story. That’s what I want. To be a part of something bigger and meaningful and fulfilling. I think it’s important to point out that Ruth had free will. She chose to stay with Naomi. Ruth chose to leave her comfort behind. She chose to follow Naomi’s advice and glean in Boaz’s field. She chose to lay at his feet. In every stage of her life she made choices. Just because God chose to include her in His story doesn’t mean she didn’t have free will. Don’t detract from the brave choices of Ruth. She was a part of God’s plan because she chose to be. That’s what makes her selfless act all the more beautiful. And all the more impactful.   

Here’s the selling point for risking it – God will not send you away empty-handed. Go read Ruth’s story. Boaz notices her, learns her selfless story, and blesses her by saying “The LORD repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!” Ruth 2:12. This is an important point to me. He speaks kindness AND acts on it. He doesn’t just send her off with well wishes. He’s a part of that repayment. He offers her protection and gleaning to her heart’s content. Boaz does that throughout the rest of the book. Provides for her. Skip down to the end of chapter 3. After Ruth has laid at his feet and he’s discovered her, he gives her six measures of barley because she “must not go back empty-handed”. God certainly didn’t let Ruth stay empty-handed. He won’t let you stay empty either. But you’re going to have to put forth some effort. We’re going to have to put forth the effort. Take the risk. Like Ruth, we have to choose to leave comfort behind and take the road less traveled. Because look at Ruth’s payoff. She is in the lineage of David and more importantly, Jesus. Certainly not empty-handed. 

So interview for the job. Invite people into your home, sister. Speak to the new kid. Go on the date, single mom. Try out for the team. Teach the class. Write the blog. Speak the truth. Take the risk. And step it up. We cannot live our lives in our comfort zones failing to live up to our potential. The devil wins when we do that. Our comfort zone ain’t where it’s at. 

So, here I am back again. Because I want to be louder than the devil.

But most importantly, because I want to be a part of God’s story.