It Takes a Village

The photographer was the first person, other than one of my best friends and a few adoption specialists, to hear our news. We wanted to tell our parents with announcement pictures, to make it special as any other expecting couple would. When I asked her when she would be available to take our pictures, I thought I was going to throw up. I was so nervous. Which is ridiculous. But I was worried how people would take this news. I didn’t want pity. And that’s what I was terrified I was going to get. I thought people would think “Poor things. They can’t have children so this is their only option.” I didn’t want people to think we chose adoption because it was our only option. It was the choice that felt the most natural to us. We certainly didn’t feel like we were missing out on anything and I didn’t want others to think that either. I was expecting the worst of everyone.

But people will surprise you. In amazing ways.

Of course, I had to explain the situation to the photographer because I could see her initial thought was that we needed pregnancy pictures. But when I told her we were adopting, it wasn’t pity I saw in her eyes or any ounce of disappointment or shock. It was sheer excitement. Pure, unselfish happiness for us. It was the exact same reaction I believe we would have gotten if we had been actually, physically, pregnant. Then the truly unexpected happened. She said she wanted to do this photo shoot for free. She couldn’t imagine the journey we were about to face and the finances we were about to accrue and she wanted to give this to us. She said she wanted to be a part of our story.

She wanted to be a part of OUR story.

I cried the whole way home. I never expected this. Probably because I’m a worrier. And I prepared for all the negative reactions we could’ve received and spent very little time preparing for the unabashed kindness that we were actually garnered. Our photographer will never fully understand what she did for us that night after church. She was just doing what she thought was right and kind. And it was all those things but also so very much more. It put my troubled, worried, fearful mind at ease. Her reaction is just one example of the hundreds of kind, heartfelt responses we’ve received since announcing our adoption. We have been overwhelmed, to say the least. The messages, calls, texts, posts, shares, and personal stories have meant everything to us. If you really want to know someone’s true spirit, pay attention to what they give. Not just their money – sometime that’s easiest(sometimes). But pay attention to their time and to their words.

I’ve been thinking that maybe this is the real point of this adventure God has given us. Everything about what we’re going through and about to go through is taking me out of my comfort zone… So. far. out. of my comfort zone. I’m not good at depending on other people. I’m not good at working without a plan. I’m not good at feeling helpless and unprepared. All of which are huge parts of the adoption process. However, I am very good at doing everything myself and being in charge and planning events down to the most minute detail. None of which are really great strengths in an adoption. I keep everything close to the chest. I’m not an over sharer. I’m particular to a fault. And I cry at the drop of a hat. (You’re probably wondering how Page got so lucky!) Again none of these characteristics are going to be really successful during this adoption. But most detrimental of all, I’m proud. I like the feeling of strength that comes with doing everything on my own.  I like for Page and my Daddy to explain things to me as they’re fixing them, so that next time I can do it myself. Not because I don’t think someone else could fix it but because I like for people to think I have my life together. That I can do it all. I take pride in what people think of me. I want everyone to think I have it all together, tied with a little pink bow. See – to a fault. For some reason I equate asking for help with weakness. Which is why I think there’s more to this adoption adventure than just starting our family.

Every part of adoption depends on us getting, taking, and accepting help from others. That’s kinda how you get a baby. I can’t do this by myself. Page and I can’t do this by ourselves. That’s kinda why we’re on this adventure in the first place. The information we get is dependent upon our social worker. The money we raise is dependent on the kindness of neighbors and strangers. The actual baby we receive is dependent on an entirely different woman all together which we’ve never even met! All of the above is obviously out of my control. Comfort zone is out of sight. Our adventure has just begun and I can’t count the ways that we’ve already changed for the better. This blog for one. I can’t thank all of you enough for reading our story. I can’t thank you all enough for the kind words and offers of encouragement… and help. People will often surprise you, in amazing ways. But you have to be willing to let them in. I’m not good at that, but God allows situations to happen that force you to grow as person and most importantly as a Christian. I started writing this blog because I wanted to share our story with others that might be experiencing the same situation and difficult questions we were facing. I set out to help others, but I’m the one that got the help. I’m the one that got the strength from your words. I’m the one that received the compliments, the encouragement, the validation. This is why you can’t go through life thinking you can do it all on your own. Independence is not all it’s cracked up to be. No one can make it through this life alone. Because we’re not supposed to.

So here we are. Growing, sharing, crying, rejoicing together. Because that’s how God intended for us to live. Philippians 2:1-7, 1 Thessalonians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 12:26 just to name a few places to look for this concept if you don’t believe me. I’ve got to accept help. Because this adventure is going to take ALL the help. Emotionally, spiritually, financially… all the -ally’s. It’s going to take more than a village. It’s going to take a state. It’s going to take a nation… It’s going to take a church. It’s going to take me realizing that I cannot do this on my own and I have got to allow and ask others to help carry this load. Because it is going to be so very heavy. And together we are so much stronger. I can’t be embarrassed that we can’t afford this process on our own. When you think about it there are probably only a select few who can. Babies are expensive. Even more so when you’re buying one straight out. I can’t be embarrassed that we can’t make this baby on our own. And I can’t think the worst of everyone.

Matthew 12:31 “The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” For this to work you also have to allow your neighbor to love you. And helping is part of loving. This is our real life. Real life is hard and very rarely a Hallmark movie. (I almost typed Lifetime movie, but no one wants the drama of a Lifetime movie) Real life requires help, all the help. Ask for it when you need it because there are people willing to help in every way they can. It’s not weak. You’re not a burden. And people will surprise you.

So village, let’s have a baby.

Originally posted March 2016